


Dean is broken, and he knows it.

by GodLikesBoysToo



Series: Supernatural has ruined me. [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel Helps Dean, Castiel Leaves, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel has Feelings for Dean Winchester, Castiel in the Bunker, Castiel is Not Okay, Castiel is a Sweetheart, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Depressed Dean Winchester, Everything Hurts, Guilty Dean Winchester, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt Dean Winchester, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Love Confessions, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, Protective Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 08:32:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10805535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodLikesBoysToo/pseuds/GodLikesBoysToo
Summary: Dean wasn't broken because his Angel left, he was broken because it was his fault.





	1. Chapter 1: Dean is broken

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm sorry this is sad, but not everything can be sunshine and rainbows , especially not for Team Free Will.
> 
> All characters belong to the writers and creators of Supernatural!

Dean wasn't talking to anyone, he was too broken to do that. Cas had come back, after weeks of fearing the worst he had come back in one piece. But he had said he was with the angels, and that made Dean's blood boil. Because after everything those dicks had put Cas through he kept going back! But then Dean realized that Cas always came back to him too. After all the shit he had put his Angel through he always ALWAYS came back. He couldn't take the guilt that rushed through him so he did what Dean Winchester does best when it comes to emotion, he ran. Taking off towards his room, blinking back the tears, because he knew Cas wouldn't come back one day. He knows that one day he'll say too much and push Cas too far and the angel will leave him, he didn't know when it would happen, but he knows it will... It always does.

Dean was sitting at his desk crying, his computer was open with something on the screen but he didn't care about it. There was a knock at the door and he hoped to god it wasn't Sam coming to say Cas was gone again, he knew it would kill him if he left again. But the person that came in wasn't his little brother, no it was Cas. He tried to return the mixtape Dean had given him, but he explained that it's a gift, "it's a gift. You keep those." He had said. Cas had explained how he just wants to come back with a win, had said it like Dean was mad at him, which wasn't true. Dean had gotten up and walked towards him "you, me, and Sam." He only added Sam because he couldn't get the courage to just say his feelings, "we're just better together. So now that you're back, let's go Team Free Will, let's get it done." He was looking at Cas in his eyes and he knew right then that the angel wasn't sticking around. He left telling Cas he needed a beer.

He talked to Sam, who had found a way to not kill the baby or Kelly. Dean told him he'd go get Cas, and he prayed to god he was wrong and the Angel had stayed. But when had praying ever helped before, because when he opened the door to Cas' room, it was empty. Dean held back tears and told Sam. The worst part is, Cas didn't just up and leave, nope, he took the colt with him. Sam was pissed when he found out it had been under his pillow and not in the safe, he told Sam, "he played me, in came into my room and he played me." Because it was true, for the most part, Cas had played him, until he looked in his eyes. They set off and found Cas through a GPS Sam had put on his phone. The Angel opened the door, holding the colt, making Dean even angrier and hurt. He slammed Cas against the wall, and the Angel let him because Dean knew if Cas didn't think he deserved the anger he wouldn't have been able to move the Angel an inch. Sam stopped Dean and pointed to the bathroom, where Kelly was peaking out from around the door frame, he backed off of Cas. They made plans to talk it through, He gave Cas the keys to the impala so he could let Kelly sit, but while Dean was arguing with Sam Kelly took off with the impala.

They got to the playground in time to save Cas, but Dagon destroyed the colt. Sam and Dean were both still down when he saw Kelly take Cas' hand as Dagon raised her arm to kill Cas. Dean watched in horror thinking this was it, this was how his Angel died, he was terrified because he never got to tell Cas he loved him back, his throat was dry and his eyes started to burn a strangled "NOO!" Could be heard and he knew it was him. But Cas' hand flew up and caught her arm and his eyes turned yellow, Dagon was on fire, screaming as she burned to death. Cas told them it was him, but it was also the Nephilim. He addressed that Dean was hurt and reached out softly touching his hurt arm and healing it, but the touch felt off, something was up with Cas and Dean could tell. Cas wants to leave, but Sam says they won't let him, he reaches up and touches Sam's forehead, knocking him out, his eyes look at his Cas in disbelief and his Angel starts to reach out to him "don't." Dean says and it's a broken plea of a man who's slowly breaking, but because there's something wrong with his angel he knocks him out anyway.  
When Dean comes to and registers that there's hard ground beneath him, but he doesn't move. Dean's hurt, not physically, but mentally. He hears Sam groan next to him as he regains consciousness, but he still doesn't move, he can't bring himself to. Sam kneels next to him "Dean? Dean, come on get up." He says, shaking him, but then he sees Dean's not asleep "Dean? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" He wants to say no that he's fine, but damn it, he's far from it and when he opens his mouth to lie all that comes out is a loud sob. That's all the confirmation his little brother needs to know he is in fact not okay. He scoops the unmoving Dean up into his arms and carries him to the impala, putting him in the passages seat. Normally Dean would protest, but he's crying so hard he can't seem to find the time to care. His Angel left him, left him three times in one day, he's broken and he knows it.

The ride to the bunker is silent, and when they get there Sam helps his brother to his room. Dean lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He knew the day Cas would leave him would come because he's Dean Winchester everyone leaves him, but he didn't think it would be so soon. He wants to cry, throw up, and scream at the same time. Dean stands up on shaky legs, he rips the blankets of his bed, tears the pillow apart, he slams his fists against the wall and screams. He's lost control and he knows it. Sam runs in afraid he's hurt, gun in hand. But he finds Dean standing in the middle of his room, chest heaving, papers and stuffing flying around the room, bookshelf knocked over, the covers were torn and things scattered across the floor. His brother is standing in the middle of it all, knuckles bleeding from punching the walls, hair a mess, and tears streaming from his face. Sam walks towards him carefully and when he sees Dean doesn't flinch away, he puts his arms around him pulling him into a gentle hug. "Dean, we can find him if that's what you want, I'll even murder his ass if you want me too, but you need to talk to m-" he snaps again, pushing his brother away from him "GET OUT SAM!" He screams. "Look, Dean we can-" he starts, but Dean doesn't want to hear it, "I SAID GET OUT! NOW!" he says, pushing Sam hard trying to knock him over. His little brother shakes his head, causing his hair to fall around his face, he makes to leave but gives Dean one last stare before walking out.

~ 1 week later ~  
Dean hasn't talked to anyone since that night. He doesn't eat, he feels sick when he even thinks about food. He doesn't drink, not even beer. He hasn't showered unless you count Sam dumping a bucket of water on him showering. He barely leaves his room, can't seem to make himself move. He hasn't slept at all, can't make his mind shut off long enough. Dean knows he's broken, but he doesn't have the strength to care to fix it. His mind is set on blue eyes, messy dark brown hair, and a tan trench coat. He can't stop thinking about how his Angel wouldn't do that to him, wouldn't leave him there. But then he thinks how Cas was not his, the angel didn't belong to him, he had never told him He loved him back. Then he thinks how Cas had said he loved him and he knows he's wrong the Angel was his but he had made him think he wasn't. He drove Cas back to the angels so he could come back with a win for 'him' because he thought he had failed Dean. Dean thinks that it's his fault his Angel is not himself now, that if he had just admitted his love to Cas he wouldn't have gone off to find Kelly, wouldn't have touched her hand and become mind controlled or whatever was wrong with him.

Dean wasn't broken because his Angel left, he was broken because it was his fault.


	2. Chapter 2: Castiel fixes what he broke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walking up to the door he knocked not knowing if just walking in was a good idea. It took a few minutes until he heard the cocking of a gun and the door opening. He let out a sigh of relief as he saw it was Sam, but the younger Winchester didn’t drop the gun from pointing at him. “Uh Sam? You okay?” he asked, Sam squinted his eyes “Well you have been quite the pain in the ass lately so no I’m not okay!” the younger Winchester screamed but tried to keep his voice low. Castiel tilted his head, “Pain in the ass? Sam what are you talking about?”
> 
> or the one where Cas comes back to find he's broken a lot of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I felt really bad for leaving off with Dean-O in misery so I made a certain blue eyed angel in a Tan trench coat go fix it.
> 
> All characters belong to the writers and creators of Supernatural!

Castiel came to, he was laying in the middle of what looked like a filed of grass. He doesn’t remember how he got here, the last he remembered he was at the playground with Kelly and Dagon was about to kill him when Kelly took his hand. Sitting up slowly, as not to hurt himself if his grace was gone, Castiel noticed he was in a clearing in the woods. Feeling his grace intact he stood up and began walking, hoping it was towards a road. He wondered what happened to him, how long he had been out, where Kelly and Dagon were, if Dean and Sam are okay. As he walked Castiel realized he recognized this place, he was in the woods near the bunker. He had been out here before when he just needed time to think. Picking up pace he went he went to the left knowing the bunker was that way. He ran for a good ten more minutes before the bunker came into view. Castiel was just praying the Winchesters were still here, or alive for that matter.

Walking up to the door he knocked not knowing if just walking in was a good idea. It took a few minutes until he heard the cocking of a gun and the door opening. He let out a sigh of relief as he saw it was Sam, but the younger Winchester didn’t drop the gun from pointing at him. “Uh Sam? You okay?” he asked, Sam squinted his eyes “Well you have been quite the pain in the ass lately so no I’m not okay!” the younger Winchester screamed but tried to keep his voice low. Castiel tilted his head, “Pain in the ass? Sam what are you talking about?” at this the man lowered the gun and shook his head, “Dude don’t act like you don’t know whats been happening.” he said in a low threatening voice. Taken aback by his tone Cas stepped back a little, afraid of what the man might do. Seeing this reaction Sam let his eyes wonder around behind the Angel, checking for anyone who might be hiding. “Cas do you really not know what’s been happening?” the man questioned, a bit of worry laced his voice. Castiel shook his head, he really didn’t remember anything after Kelly taking his hand, well he faintly remembers healing Dean and maybe someone saying ‘don’t’, but he couldn’t trust his memory right now. Sam’s eyes widened, and he moved to the side to let the angel in “Uh you should come in, we have a lot to talk about.” Sam mumbled.

They walked down the steps to the war table, Castiel noticed it was covered in writing, papers, books, and food wrappers. Sam pulled out the chair opposite the one already out, taking a seat he looked around. The bunker looked like a hurricane had swept through it, dust was everywhere, food wrappers tossed about, books scattered, and items in places they didn’t belong. Sam cleared his throat, “okay so what’s the last thing you remember happening? Also even if it just seems faint tell me, every little thing helps.” the man said softly, Cas nodded, he could do that. “Well, I remember being at the playground, I remember Dagon killing Joshua, um, I remember Kelly taking my hand.” he paused not sure if he should mention the other, but he remember Sam said even if he wasn’t sure, “I uh, I faintly remember Dean being hurt and possibly healing him, and maybe someone saying ‘don’t’. I’m sorry Sam everything after Kelly holding my hand is fuzzy.” he finished. Sam seemed to be thinking about something, “I knew something was up that night.” the man whispered, but Cas’ angelic hearing was good enough that he caught it, “What do you mean?” he questioned. 

Before Sam could answer his question, Dean walked in. Castiel gave him a once over, noticing he was wearing loose gray sweat pants, a baggy AC/DC shirt, The man looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks, or bathed for that matter, his light brown hair matted. Dean looks up to speak and stops dead, his emerald green eyes, dull and bloodshot, stopping on Castiel’s face, “What the hell his he doing here Sammy?” he asks, voiced raised and sounding bitter. Sam hangs his head, shaking it, “Dean, You don’t speak for weeks and Cas shows up and you start yelling again?” the younger brother states. Castiel takes notice of how he says ‘weeks’ which means it’s been a great amount of time from what he remembers. Dean’s expression turns dark, “it has nothing to do with him being back!” he spat at his brother, Sam’s head shot up, his eyes filled with rage, “That’s it! I took care of you for weeks Dean, I tried to get you to eat, to shower, to drink water. I tried to find Cas for you! Oh need I remind you I got close a few times too, but you wouldn’t even get out of bed long enough to help me! So I almost died a few times trying to find him on my own, and why, because you were to busy wallowing in your self pity!” Sam screams, and his brother backs into a wall curling in on himself. It takes everything Castiel has not to go comfort the older Winchester, but he feels he might have something to do with his current state, so he stays put. To his surprise Sam doesn’t go comfort his brother or make any move to apologize, instead he turns to Cas, “Back to the issue at hand. So uh Cas, you’re right you healed Dean’s arm, but uh you kind of seemed off. Well we tried to get you to stay and let us help you with Kelly, but you um, you knocked us out and left us there.” he says, he pauses looking back at Dean before continuing, “He um, went crazy and shut down. So I looked for you by myself, got close to finding you once, but uh, you almost killed me. But I tried again anyway, well let’s just say you did some pretty nasty stuff to keep me away.” Sam finished in a clam hushed voice. Castiel was quiet for a moment, taking in what Sam had just said. He couldn’t believe he had left them there, or that he had tried to kill Sam and apparently did horrible things to keep him away.

Cas shook his head, “how long ago did the playground happen?” he whispered, Sam sighed deeply, “About a two weeks ago Cas.” he said, obviously worried. The Angel blinked, He’d been “unconscious” for two weeks and during that time someone was using him as a tool? “I’m sorry Sam, I, I had no idea all of this was, if I had known I, I’m sorry.” he whispered hanging his head in shame. Sam leaned forward and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Hey, Cas it’s okay. It wasn’t you behind the wheel. The Nephilim must have used it powers to somehow take control over your body. You don’t by any chance know how you got freed do you?” the younger Winchester said, the Angel shook his head again, “No, I woke up in the clearing in the woods in front of the bunker. I have no idea how I got there.” Sam nodded. “Well from what little information I’ve gathered, the baby should be born May 18th, which means in a week from now. Maybe the Nephilim is to weak at birth to control you? That would explain why you’re you again, but not how you ended up in the woods.” Sam said more or less thinking out loud. 

The idea wasn’t to insane to be right, the Nephilim may be to weak to control both Castiel and keep Kelly alive long enough to be born, because if there is one thing Cas remembers it’s that Kelly had killed herself and the Nephilim brought her back. Maybe it couldn’t induce it’s own birth while it controlled Cas? It would make sense as to why he’s free, but it still didn’t answer the question of how he got to the bunker without being aware. “That could be possible, though we still haven’t any idea how I got to the woods.” the Angel finally voiced. Sam leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes to think. Castiel took this time to look over at Dean. The older Winchester was sitting in the corner, legs crossed like he was meditating, his head was leaned back and his eyes are closed. He looks more clam then before, but still his shoulders are tense. Castiel wants to ask him why he hasn’t been taking care of himself when his thoughts are interrupted by a loud noise. Both he and Sam snapped their heads around the bunker, seeing nothing they both waited for a long moment to see if it would happen again. This time the sound was louder and more clear, it was snoring and it was coming from Dean. “Holy shit, he’s asleep!” Sam whispered, disbelief quite clear in his voice.

Sam made to get up, suspecting he planed to move Dean into his room, Cas decided to interject, “Hey uh, why don’t you let me? I mean you could be of more use trying to find out what happened then I could, so it’s no trouble for me to move him.” Sam turned to him a concerned look crossed his face, “You sure Cas, I mean you’re not hurt or anything? Your grace is still intact?” the man asks, Cas nods “I assure you I’m fine Sam, my grace is fine, my body is in no way harmed. Now go figure out how I ended up here, I’ve got this.” he said, the Angel left no room for an argument as he brushed past Sam and bent his knees to pick the older brother up. Castiel slid one arm around Dean’s upper back and the other under the bends of his knees, he scooped the hunter up into his chest. He wasn’t the lightest person ever, but Castiel is an angel and that made it easier. Cas makes his way down the hall to room 11, being careful not to bump Dean’s head or feet. 

He opens the door to room 11 and walks in sideways so he wouldn’t wake Dean. Walking over to the bed Castiel uses his grace to make the covers slide down, then lays him down as gently as possible. The Angel reaches down and grabs the top of the tan blankets pulling them up over the man’s body. Seeing his job of returning Dean to his bed done, Cas makes to leave, he turns on his hill but before he can even take one step there’s a hand around his wrist. Turning his body back towards the bed he finds Dean’s eyes open, “Uh Dean, I have to go help your brother with research.” Cas says calmly, but the hunter doesn’t let go, instead his grip only tightens around his wrist. The Angel rolls his eyes and let’s out an exasperated sigh, “Dean what do you want? Sam needs me to help him find out how I got to the bunker.” he says, trying his best not to upset Dean. He sees the hunters eyes flash with a strong emotion before letting go of his wrist, “Fine, whatever, go help Sam.” Dean says bitterly. Castiel softens at this, he doesn’t know why Dean is so angry, but he assumes it has something to do with him, “Dean,” he starts softly, causing the hunter to look up at him, “I…, I’m really sorry. About everything, I didn’t know what was happening, the Nephilim somehow controlled me. I don’t remember anything after Kelly taking my hand, well I sort of remember healing you, and possibly someone saying ‘don’t’. But Dean I’m so, so sorry.” he finished, sitting down on the bed by Dean.

The hunter looked taken aback, his emerald eyes wide and glossy like he was about to cry, “Cas, You heard me.” he choked out, the Angel tilted his head in confusion but before he could speak Dean continued, “Uh you knock Sammy out first, I said ‘don’t’ right before you knocked me out. And um Cas, you uh, you don’t have to apologize to me.” he finished in a hushed whisper. Castiel felt anger bubble inside his chest, “And why is it I don’t have to apologize Dean? I messed up! I don’t deserve an excuse for my actions! Do you know how hard it is Dean to always fail your best friend and have them never, not even once acknowledge that I messed up? Dean I’ve failed you more times then I can count and you always seem to forgive me so easily, it’s not right!” Dean looked shocked at Cas’ sudden out burst, “Cas, you wouldn’t even mess up to begin with if my sorry ass didn’t push you away all the time! I’m always making you think you have to go put your ass on the line. And damn it Cas that’s not okay! I’m your best friend? Well best friends don’t send their best friends packing when something new and scary happens to them! Cas I’m bad for you, toxic even. You gave everything up for me and what do I do? I fuck up every time you need me to give something up for you! If I hadn’t made you feel like you had let me down Cas you wouldn’t have felt the need to go off in the first place! You wouldn’t have ended up controlled by the Nephilim if I hadn’t pushed you away!” the hunter screamed, voice becoming slightly horse near the end.

When Dean looked up at the Angel he didn’t see understanding, no he saw rage. “Dean Winchester, you listen to me and you listen good.” Dean’s eyes widened at the Angel’s tone, “I choose to give everything up for you, and I did not expect anything in return. The times I messed up, they were no ones fault but my own. Dean you couldn’t push me away if you tried. I didn’t put my ass on the line with Kelly because I thought I failed you, I did it so you or Sam wouldn’t have to! You’ve already been through so much I didn’t want to add killing Kelly to that list. Dean I do everything I do not because of you, but for you. If I think there is the slightest chance me doing something will help you or your brother, you better fucking believe I’m going to do it. What happened at the playground, I haven’t the slightest idea but I think the Nephilim sensed that I was going to let you take us back here so it helped me kill Dagon but used it’s powers to also take control of me. Dean I had no intention of leaving again.” Cas said, grabbing Dean’s right hand that was laying beside his knee and taking it in his left one.

Dean had a few tears rolling down his face, but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. “Dean Winchester I do everything I do because I love you. No wait, because I’m ‘in’ love with you.” the Angel said softly, he was rubbing slow gentle circles on the back of the hunters hand. The hunter was silent for a moment, then he looked up at Castiel his eyes gleaming with emotion, “Cas, I know. I knew that when you said it in that barn. It’s not that I don’t believe that you love Sammy and my mom, just Cas, the way you looked at me when you said it. And Damn it Cas, I can’t believe I’m gonna actually let myself say this, But Cas I love you too.” Dean says softly bringing the back of the Angel’s hand to his lips giving a gentle kiss. When he released his hand Castiel lunged himself forward, crashing his lips to Dean’s. The man reacted instantly, tracing Cas’ bottom lip with the tip of his tongue, the Angel parted his mouth letting their tongues slide into the others mouth. Dean slides his hands down Cas’ sides and grabs him by his hips and pulling him into his lap. The Angel’s hands slide up to rest on Dean’s chest, his whole body felt like it was set alight with holy oil. His heart beat quickened and his chest heaved rapidly, Castiel never knew something so simple could feel so addicting. Kissing Dean just felt right, like this was what he was made for and not all that angel warrior stuff.

Some part of him never wanted to stop, but he had a few more things that needed to be said. Cas pulled back resting his forehead to Dean’s, “Dean.” he breathed out, the hunter just looked up at him, “I just want you to know, that uh, I’ve loved you since the first time I saw your soul. Even in the fiery darkness of hell your soul was so bright, and I was so honored I reached you first. But know I know it was meant to be me from the beginning.” Dean didn’t know what to say, what could you say to that, so he kissed him. It wasn’t long, just a soft press of lips then it was over, but it meant just as much. “Cas, just promise me something?” he breathed out against the Angel’s lips, “anything.” the hunter smiled, “don’t ever leave again? At least without me knowing where you’re going and you calling us if you need help or just to let me know you’re okay.” his voice was begging. “I, Castiel Angel of the Lord, promise to never leave Dean Winchester without telling him, and I promise to call to let him know I’m fine or if I need help.” Dean smiled at this, “I also promise to care for him with all of my being, to keep him safe and healthy, I also promise to protect his family and him from all harm to the best of my ability even if it means I shall die trying.” he added kissing Dean’s lips once. 

Castiel rolled off of the hunter to his left side and faced him, they wrapped each other up in their arms and tangled their legs together. Dean rested his forehead against Cas’, the Angel flicked his wrist and the door closed, the covers pulled up over them, and the lights flicked out all at the same time. That’s how they fell asleep, well Dean anyway, and how he woke up. The best thing is Sam didn’t even ask why Cas never came to help him with research the next morning when they walked into the kitchen hand in hand, because there was nothing to question, because Dean loves Cas and Cas loves Dean and they don’t care who knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you happy now?! I fixed it and made it all sunshine and rainbows!

**Author's Note:**

> Ah I know you probably all want to kill me, but I'm a writer and sometimes we write sad things! So please try to reframe from murdering me? I hope I was able to get across how Dean was feeling in this. I normally don't write angst so I'm sorry if it's bad. Anyway thanks for reading!


End file.
